Robert S. Hall
Robert S. Hall
"The walkway is wet, the ground turned to mud. My heart feels at home while fear chill's my blood."
"The moment was surreal, a foggy dream. Familiar face which I have never seen."
Brad Roberts commented on belzar's lyric:
"your use of approximate rhyme reminds me of Emily Dickinson, one of America's greatest 19th century poets. She almost never left her house, preffering to read and write alone. Her poems were barely published before she died. Check her out if you are interested."
(more)"A feeling found within, a bold recollect. Like brazen summer winds, seen, never felt."
Brad Roberts commented on belzar's lyric:
""Surreal the moment, foggy dream akin. A distant thought recalled, a past recollection." Robert S Hall Robert: thanks as always for your submission. You are always to thoughtful, and you are developing a nice clear voice. There are two things I want to note about this particular effort: first, "don't tell me, show me." This is an old adage in creative writing, but it bears repeating. In other words, show me a dream - give me an image; otherwise the lines remain in the abstract. Secondly, as I mentioned to Todd, try not to write the words in an order that is contrary to the normal flow of speech. When you write "Surreal the moment, foggy the dream akin." Instead, try "The moment was surreal, a foggy dream" This has the same number of syllable as your line, and says the same thing, while remaining in iambic pentameter. Most of all though, thanks for this renewed effort at your approach. I appreciate your thoughtfulness. "
(more)"Surreal the moment, foggy dream akin. A distant thought recalled, a past recollection."
Brad Roberts commented on belzar's lyric:
"robert, i like both of your last submissions. consider your line lengths, however - these are too long; its hard to fit 15 syllables into a couple of bars of music. try for 10. thanks for playing!"
(more)"Reaching out with celestial hands in hopes to gain a friend. Only silent desolation to find us in the end."
"Eyes set on the future, the past upon our brow. The time to act has come and gone, what options have we now?"
"We reach to the stars among celestial shores. With hyperactive drives and warp-enabled oars."
"Our past written in stone, too late for sad regrets. The time grows near for a celestial reset."
Brad Roberts commented on belzar's lyric:
"i'm not sure if the expression 'written in stone' sounds in keeping with the word 'reset' "
(more)"Our past written in stone, too late for sad regrets. The time grows near for a celestial reset."
Brad Roberts commented on belzar's lyric:
"i like that this is dark, but i don't think it rings quite true. i think children are so innocent that they don't become hopeless in the way an adult does. however, i may be dead wrong. anybody? "
(more)"The atmosphere polluted, all resources ran dry. Inevitable dilemma, our hopeless children cry."
Brad Roberts commented on belzar's lyric:
"this is really great. the only thing i question is the word 'retribution'. is that what you really mean? why do we want vengance?"
(more)"Our deeds placed in motion, no need for retrospect. A time for retribution, a cure for our neglect."
"Now I lay me down to sleep, strange dreamworks fill my head, tomorrow comes another day, such hope is often said."
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My Lyrics
Brad Roberts commented on belzar's lyric:
"excellent"
(more)"The walkway is wet, the ground turned to mud. My heart feels at home while fear chill's my blood."